9.17am - Shifty pulls up at Moron's. Curtains are closed. No sign of life. Moran emerges from his pit as naked as the day he was born. Salad then follows. That explains that then.

9:30am - Blunkett picks Plater up. Byron is excited because he's looking forward to his bi-annual walk on the Sunday. Plater tells his wife that we wouldn't be late. Meanwhile Emma is cooking some kind of posh dessert and it smells delightful.

10:45am - Arrive at the club to find Damo has strategically placed four hundred cones down to mark out our footy pitch. Damo also takes boundary pegs out but gets completely muled because Ant hadn't marked the line out yet. 12 men managed to lift up the sightscreen and stand it up. Salad stands directly underneath it because he's a complete cretin.

11:01am - Toad arrives. He's late.

11:15am - Cooper arrives. He's even later. He's got some kind of spawn on his mouth and he's dropped a dress size because he's been badly and not had his usual 8 meals a day.

12:00pm - Blunky and Damo open.

12:40pm - Blunkett slaps The Creeper's first ball straight to Saqib at mid on. If anyone else would have done that I would have done my nut.

1:24pm - After a successful Shot, Gearhead goes to the well once too often as he gets caught at slip off the face of the bat.

1:24:35seconds - Gearhead is told to **** off back to Barnsley.

1:29pm - Barney tries to pull a length ball. Chow.

1:50pm - Elsecar's Overseas sets off the fire alarm because he thinks he's locked in the corridor. He drinks John Smith's though so we'll let him off.

1:51pm-3:00pm - We don't accelarate as much as we should have. Cooper gets run out by a furlong. Plater can't slog anymore. Toad has a strike rate of 200. Joe Hardy annoyed with final score of 175. He's not wrong.

3:00pm-3:40pm - Messi misses penalty. Blunkett finds scones. Cracking tea Emma. Worth it.

3:45pm-5:25pm - We bowl ok in places but mainly kak. Shifty takes himself off. We try to waste as much time as possible because it's as black as night over Brampton. Gearhead takes four hours to tie his laces. We are unsure as to whether this is tactical or whether he struggles with this task. 5 balls too late it tips it down for half an hour and its game shot.

6:45pm-8:00pm - Mason is very annoying.

10:30pm - Club captains goes home.

01:30am - So does Plater.

MAN OF THE DAY: A lovely innings by DE VOS. We didn't support him as well as we should have.

TOAD OF THE DAY: A joint award, MORON and SALAD. A match made in heaven. Or hell.

Selected quotes for old time sake....

"You said if we got JP Plumbing Solutions tattoed on our arse then you'd pay for it"

"Sorry mate, I'll have to take you off"
"It's not your fault I've bowled ******* ****"

"You can't just fine me a quid for having a hairy back"

Bit bored of this now, could be the last report for the season unless next week is a better game.

Chow.