ELSECAR 169-9
Mace 4-32
Dyson 3-39

WATH 164-9
Barlow 102*

The standard late arrival at breakfast for Captain and Overseas due to flapping about teas and Bomma not being ready for a change - so late in fact we found that Bairstow had cleared his up and he's never on time. Egg Roulette was an excellent gamble, with a fine balance of runny yolk and solid whites. Toad was not impressed with Speith's double bogey. A can't Speith.

All eleven of us arrived at the ground in good time and definitely nobody was late. It was disaster for the Fatties though, who without star player Mace (who wasn't late because everyone arrived on time) had to rely on Dipper - which is never good as he always tries to beat twelve men and doesn't trust the rest of the spanners on his team. 15-0 was a fair scoreline as the next goal counts double rule hurt the fat boys.

The toss was won by Uncle Blunky and Master and Apprentice opened up. Apprentice bowled the first over - a deep insult to Bomma who sees the second over as a slight on his manhood. But Bomma showed his worth immediately, producing a 68mph bouncer to Cummins who spliced his pull shot in a vertical direction for Bairstow to take the catch. Bomma then bowled a pile of filth but picked up two more wickets - Swallow hit a leg stump half volley to Dipper and Club Legend Meadows falling LBW, a decision he wholeheartedly agreed with. After Shifty nicked off Ian Swallow for a duck we were on top and stomping a mudhole. Some of the younger members of the side (basically Toad) wanted to call Swallow back as he never bats against us and they wanted to be in his presence for just that little bit longer.

At 60-4 and with two new men in we needed another wicket to open an end up and have a good go at the tail. So to speak. Dyson nicked off some lad who didn't walk and the two batsmen stuck around and produced a really annoying partnership - Pete Hadfield playing pretty well to be fair. We fielded like blind mice and there were dropped catches, overthrows and all kinds of idiocy. The spinners bowled reasonably well without success and the ball was thrown to Macey - who miraculously managed to catch it. After a mini committee meeting it was decided that the best place to put Dave in the field was at the end of his run up - but the devious dobber dealt Elsecar a double blow and stuck two fingers up to his critics. Hadfield caught in the deep by Dipper for a tasty half century and Denby bowled. Dave struck twice more in quick succession to leave Elsecar on 140-9. Rana was not out though and he marshalled the number eleven to a PIB like last wicket stand of 30 odd - but this partnership came at a price. As Rana pushed for a single to keep the strike Toad threw the stumps down, and despite the not out verdict the Elsecar man went down as if shot and the Wath batsmen were high fiving each other as we later found out that he would be unavailable to bowl.

TEA REPORT:

"By the way, Jack Whitlam said my teas were better than his mums"

In search of the fair play award, Wath accepted with good grace the request of a sub fielder from The Great Swallow. Early wickets fell though and Allan and Cooper both departed for ducks to complete a pair against Elsecar. Dyson and Blunky put 40 on until Bomma tried to cave Hussain into the dyke with disastrous results, as his middle stump went cartwheeling into Joburn's ample bosom. Plater came and went (as Plater's do), completing the trifecta of pairs. Plater trudged off to join his ex-Rotherham teammates who all had to have a cold shower to cleanse their sins and clean the blood off their hands after single handedly killing RTCC. According to Rab C Nesbitt behind the stumps.

Toad hung around before playing a girlie chip to mid wicket - who produced a stunning belly flop dive to complete a simple catch. Jacko completed his terrible day by falling LBW to Cummins and Dipper entered the fray "dressed like a traffic light". He offered his usual curious selection of chips, dabs and swipes but he hated himself for scoring 18 off 45 balls. The young Sports Directer prides himself on his strike rate and needs to do some serious soul searching to up his game next week. Macey came in at 9 and immediately set about destroying the Elsecar attack, hitting some lusty blows to all parts of the crease. The captain was ticking at the other end and after complicated diplomacy and negotiation persuaded Dave to open his shoulders. We took it to 20 off 13 balls before Mace was stumped by Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances. 20 off 12 and Bairstow stepped into the fire. 2 to straight mid wicket. 4 through backward point (it's not Jonny hitting these by the way). The touchpaper was lit by the Ginger Wicketkeeper as he must have made some sly comment in his ear and Barney Gumble hit the roof. Nothing remotely controversial happened though and he definitely didn't swear. A cheeky Chinese cut from Blunky made it 10 off 9 and Wath were favourites again. But a dot, a single and another dot left us with 9 off the last over and Elsecar were now favourites.

Blunky chipped a 2 to his special area to bring up his century and was then dropped in the deep. But because he was lazy and cooked only one run was taken. 6 off 4. Bairstow on strike. Out. A weird send off by Jonny Vegas and with only Shifty left the game was up. Dot, dot, dot gave us 2 points and a great measure of frustration. It could have been worse though because the last ball of the game was extremely close, and Young Thinnie became exceedingly Shifty whilst waiting for the umpire's decision. NOT OUT.

MAN OF THE MATCH: Me again lads, sorry.

MOUSE OF THE MATCH: Another joint award for Allan, Cooper and Plater for their killing of a local cricket club.

SELECTED QUOTES:

"Put that in your match report"
"Make sure you tag me in your match report"
"You've got some good material for your match report"
"That'll be a good quote for your match report"

Yes Joby, we get your drift.