WATH 69
Cooper 21

DARFIELD 1-0

MATCH REPORT SPONSORED BY MAYFAIR CHINESE TAKEAWAY

The Breakfast Club nearly did not happen this week. Because I was otherwise engaged during Saturday morning - getting in the way of my Wife To Be who was doing teas, the administration was in tatters. No Toad. Bairstow sitting at the wrong table and turning up an hour early. Plater ringing up in a panic as he'd only had one breakfast so far and he likes to fit in two or three. But we salvaged some semblance of normality by turning up and having a lovely table for four. "Is that bread dead", ask Britain's Slimmest Plumber, as he hoovered up the leftovers from the lads.

The Fatties shrugged off the continued absence of Dipper to destroy the Thinnies 17-6. That's two weeks on the bounce we've hammered them, no desire or work ethic from the young uns. Cosmic won the toss and inserted Wath on a new strip. Immediately the home side were in trouble. With the main sponsors present, we produced our worst display of the season. A truly pathetic display:

BLUNKETT - Dismissed by a tasty delivery from the Darfield Captain, who gave a knowing nod as he celebrated the scalp - 3
ACTIVE - Grafted to double figures before conspiring to inside edge an away swing bowler to the lad in the fluorescent hat behind the peg - 12.
FUSION - Another grafter. Played well for over an hour, receiving a barrage of short stuff from Wasim Akram before wafting at a wide one from change bowler Fell - 21
PLATTER - Miss. Single. Smashed on glove. LBW. Chow (as Plater's do) - 1
THE PASSENGER- Again unfit to bowl, The Passenger played and missed before the opposition's big appeal for caught behind. Dyson then walked off and was commended for his honesty by the square leg umpire. All had missed the bails laying on the floor as he'd just missed a straight one. So in conclusion, praised for walking off when bowled. Comment on Facebook from a Darfield Stalwart mused that one of his 'social seconds made the overseas look daft'. He sure did - BLOB
TOAD - Another with a spine. Do Toad's have spines? Received a working over from Akram and his tasty 80mph left arm round bouncers. Then, after doing the hard work was out LBW sweeping Jahangir and accepted the umpire's decision by arching his back in disbelief like he'd received The Cruciatus Curse. CRUCIO. Good passion though - 11.
MACE - Didn't fancy hanging around for very long so tried to tee it up. Four. Out - 4
PICKLES - Fell to the whily spin of Jahangir after working on playing spin with his Captain for frty five minutes last Tuesday evening. Cricket's great int it - BLOB
THE SPEWER - Looked at ease at the crease, has more time when batting than a Swiss watchmaker. But then invariably finds a way to do something stupid, and this he did by trying to hit Weekes into Tesco - 4.
BAIRSTOW - One ball. One forward defensive. No issues. What were the rest of us playing at - 0*
MALFOY - Practices six days a week, seven if he could. Bats twice at each net session. Must face at least 500 deliveries a week. Misses straight one. BLOB.

Tea was a vast array of jacket potatoes complimented with chilli, cheese and volcanic lava. Sorry, beans. Chicken nuggets and cracking kids crisps like onion rings and bacon rashers. That ok Lauren? 9.8/10. (Loses 0.2 of marks for coercion).

Darfield then reached 1-0 and robbed Wath of a certain and famous victory. It towelled it down for over an hour on and off, completely flooding the wicket ends. The Wath Boys were in their element, messing around in the dressing room playing changing room cricket and annoying each other. Eventually, the waiting around became too much for Captain Weekes (who had fifteen pints of Guiness to drink) and he summoned his opposite number to CHOW the game at around 6.30pm. The rain points leave us in third place, four points behind Tickhill who have also played a game less. It's looking unlikely but you never know.

MAN OF THE MATCH: Cooper, Allan and Bannister put their bodies on the line for the cause but this one goes to SHIFTY, who had the foresight and good sense to book a holiday when we got hammered.

MOUSE OF THE MATCH: WOW. Where do we start. Apart from the three mentioned above you can take your pick. But because he's been our main man this season, and because he used the last of my bread last night, and because he pronounced Warburton's as WarBURTon's, and because he's still not fit to bowl, and because he never orders beans with a Full English Breafast, this one's for you Bomma - it's SHAWN DYSON.

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SELECTED QUOTES:

"Never in thirty years of playing cricket have I been spoken to like that"
"I came down for a look, saw the scoreboard, swore, then went home"
"Shutty, I'm just going for a walk.........in the moonlight!"
"If everyone got 12 we'd have been ok"
"You spent 70 quid on these clubs. But you've used them four times, so that's a fiver for every time. So in conclusion I'll give you fifteen quid"
"Will, I'd rather burn them"
"Are the showers warm? Are they ****"
"We're usually better than this, sorry you had to watch that"
"Is everyone staying down? Ok, I'll have a pint then"
"I was a fiver down......Does that include drinks........No.......Oh, you must have been seven quid down then"
Huddersfield have scored.....I bet that gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling inside......It does actually"